Bali III.

I didn't go.

Bali Take Two.

So back to Bali.

When I was on the way to Egypt earlier in the Summer I flipped out. Catching me on the way back to my seat, between my hiccups and sobs, the flight attendent asked me if this was my first flight. I told her that I used to fly internationally two or three times a year and had never had this kind of reaction before. That I had no idea how or even exactly when I lost my mind. That I had felt the weeks before this flight, a sense of impending doom that made my entire body want to revolt in any way possible... And she asked me why I did it, and the only possible response I could croak was, "Because I ought to. I need to."

When I was in highschool I wrote one of my long-gone college essays on my love of flying. I loved how at peace I felt so far above and away from my regular life. It's hard for people to have expectations of you, of the things you ought to be and ought to do when you are 30,000 miles above the ground. Hurdling through the air there is only so much control you have over your own life and the rare opportunity to deny that responsibility, to relenquish all power and surrender yourself, was something I cherished. I've always been in my own head. Like some nuerotic mumbling kid I have the tendancy to mull things over and over and over before acting on them - as a result of this I sometimes completely flip out and do things without any thought at all. Maybe as a result to get some slippery grasp on that feeling I used to love so much I got my nose pierced, went to Spain alone, got a prison tattoo at 13, and kissed a hobo. It's a fucked up system I know.

I am aware that I lead a priviledged life. I am thankful. Really I am. However I am stuck here. For whatever reason, I now hate that feeling while flying. I am so frightened by my own lack of power while flying I imagine myself crumbling apart the whole time... Maybe this is why I can't stand flying anymore, right when I started to feel that lack of control encroach upon my normal life (transfering, having trouble at CNU, feeling alone, ect. ) that powerlessness became to common and all-together too real... Now I dont know how to get back to that place. Being a religion major I pretty much spend all my time devoted to that study, of the kind of submission of will that God requires to believe. The ability to let something slip from your hands (whether it ever really existed there at all or not) is a dangerously frightening thing...

Bali.

So the plane from Singapore to Bali we were trying to catch was blocked by United so now we're leaving on Monday. As of now the flight plan is Dulles to New York (1.5 hours), NY to Beijing (12 hours), Beijing to Singapore (6 hours), and then Singapore to Bali (3 hours.) Pretty much non-stop. I'm still geeking out; I keep waffling back and forth whether I'll go or not... I mean, it's ridiculous that I wouldn't considering it's a chance to see a country where Hinduism, Chinese philosophy, and Islam all meld together in a completely unique place that'd be really influential in the kind of work I wanna do after college (not to mention will look really impressive on a peace corps application...) I'm going to have to travel which means I'm going to have to fly. I'm going to have to suck it up.

And yet there's this completely irrational terror, this panic that wells up inside my brain and makes me want to simultaniously run around the cabin foaming at the mouth and cry hysterically. I worry that at some point during all these flights I'm just going to flip out and be one of those completely nuts people who have to be emergency sedated on the plane... The whole thing is just weird... I mean I used to fly internationally three times a year. When we flew to New Zealand I pretty much just relaxed and slept the whole time - whatever changed happened so suddenly and I have no idea why.

I don't know. I realize it's ridiculous. I don't want to miss out on all the amazing things Indonesia has to offer but at the same time it seems so strange that I would fly all the way to South East Asia for two weeks just to come home for a week and then leave again (to eventually end up back in S. E. Asia!) for four whole months.

I think another part of it, however irrational, is that I feel like missing out on the Canada trip would mean a lost opportunity to have another adventure with the theme unit friends. I mean I know I'm going to be living with them next year and that I could call or write them anytime but I'm also leaving at what feels like the worst time... I know I'm going to miss everyone so much and while I'm ridiculously excited about this trip I worry everything will be different once I get back. It's inevitable that I will change and that they will too, but this semester was so great I worry I'll be an outsider after seven months apart.

Anyways... I am leaning towards going. I am hoping I can get over it and enjoy myself like I want to. It's such a weird thing to do before SAS though, in one sense it's like this awesome relaxing get away and in another sense it's also like a ridiculous whirwind adventure that I'm not sure I need since I feel so ill-prepared for the semester abroad anyways... Who knows. I'm in my head enough since coming back that sitting home alone for two weeks - especially during the holiday season - without any family on either side around, could only be bad for me.

I miss all my NoVA friends. I miss feeling like I knew the direction of my own life... I've been feeling kind of shitty about myself lately and everything is up in the air; it's exciting and really frightening all at once...